A friend of mine had introduced us and warned me with a smile, that he is the spitting image of Mario Adorf (he is) and has sparkling blue eyes (he does). And just like that, I am sitting in a hotel lobby in Charlottenburg – very hip and cosmopolitan – and I am NOT nervous. Which surprises me a little. There was a time when I had huge respect (!) for a meeting like this – not to say: I was very anxious. But the more we talk about such topics in our team, the more comfortable I feel in these situations. It is interesting, how much relevance and meaning this “oh so conservative” term has.
Barbara: What does respect mean to you?
Stephan: First of all, it means to allow the other one to be how she or he wants to be. And to see what people have done in their lives. Meaning, to respect personalities and their work. But for me, one of the most important points is to respect other people, other living beings – also plants – in the first place. I grew up in Northern Hessen, in a small town. My father was a pharmacist, my mother was a nurse, and we were five children. Humility and respect for other people, for other living beings, for the environment, was something that really shaped me.
B: Are we respectful as a society?
S: I feel like, our society has changed during the COVID period. For me, it was like a fire accelerant, that only knew “you are for me or against me”. It is okay to have different opinions, but we must communicate with each other. During COVID this developed extremely into one direction. For me, Donald Trump was also a turning point, geopolitically, because – in a nation that always claims to be the mother of democracy – he was the first one to say: I cheat, I treat women badly, I am a racist, I can lie successfully. I believe that he was a role model for many people, unfortunately. And that is far, far away from respect.
B: You are producer on one hand and actor on the other hand. And you are coach, lecturer, and father as well. Respect is also a question of position and hierarchy. When you are active as an actor, you are in fact “bound by instructions” by the producer and because of that you are not considered an artist – At least, that is what the artists’ social insurance claims. Which I find quite strange, by the way…
S: As a matter of fact, actors are not considered artists – according to tax law. You work with an income tax card and in your job there someone who tells you what to do and you do it. You are basically “just” an executive body. Even if that totally misses the point of what is practically done in that job. That has nothing to do with respect for our work. That became also quite clear with the actions that were taken during COVID. Theatres were treated the same way as gaming halls and the prostitution industry.
“Every human, every woman, every man, every living being is unique.”
B: Do you feel different about respect in your different roles as actor, producer, or lecturer? Does it depend on the position you are in?
S: That has actually changed over the years. Of course, I also grew personally during the past 20-25 years. I have to give you some more background to answer that question. I am not a person who likes to go out to demonstrate. I used to do that quite often, but not anymore – so: What can I do?
I can try to bring across an attentive way of treating one another, to the people I work with, and that way, try to make a change in a small group. When I work as a producer, I try to do the same thing. When I work with someone who is apparently higher in the hierarchy than I am, then I try to meet that person at eye level. I will definitely not subordinate myself or say, “you are much more interesting or better than I am”.
I believe that every human, every woman, every man, every living being is unique. There is only one of each one of us in this world and that is why we should treat each other with respect. I would never tell somebody what they want to hear, only because I could benefit from it. I try to stand up for my opinion and to bring it across as respectful as possible. And when I realize that someone does not treat me with respect, then I try to convince that person, that there is a different way.
Earlier today, I had a situation with a car driver. Apparently, I wasn’t driving fast enough with my Vespa, even though I was going 80 km/h on the city highway. He really almost pushed me from the street. When I stopped, he immediately started yelling and my first impulse was to yell back at him. But then I thought “No, do it differently”. I was very polite. “Look”, I said, “you are driving a huge Porsche and I am driving s small Vesper. You could injure me badly and there would not even be a scratch on your car. Do you enjoy doing that? Is that fun for you? What is your intention? And at the light you will have to stop beside me again anyway. Why don’t we relax a little?” I stayed very calm, even though that was very difficult for me. At first, he kept on yelling and hoped that I would also explode. But I didn’t. After a moment he said: “Yes, true, you are right. Safe journey!” and drove away. These are the tiny moments that give me hope that you can make small changes in your daily life und if everyone contributes just a little, then you can actually drive a lot of change in a society.
B: How do you handle it with your children? How old are they?
S: They are 16 and 18…
B: An age where there can be a lot of tension…?
S: Yes, totally! I found that very difficult during COVID. They were 14 and 16. A phase that is extremely important for breaking away from your parents. To me, puberty is one of the most interesting phases in life. At the same time, you must sometimes take a deep breath, when you are in the middle of it. You open your door in the morning, and you already know that something is going to happen. Jesper Juul, a family therapist who is unfortunately deceased, once said something beautiful: You should stick a note onto the forehead of teenagers between 14 the 17 saying “closed for renovation”. In everyday life with my kids, I sometimes did not realize which of my values had actually reached them. But when I see them now interacting with other people, I think: “Look at that, some things actually worked.” I try to teach them to treat others respectfully.
B: Is respect something you can learn? When adults are disrespectful, that can be associated with their childhood?
S: Well, I think the best example is the current situation in Iran. When a society barely exemplifies respect towards women. When preachers claim that women should be on the same level as sheep, that they are no humans, but living beings, who God or Allah only used for reproduction. Or look at our history between 33 and 45 – it paints the same picture: When I constantly act as an example for disrespect, you can see, how that passes on to the population. And that is why I find it incredibly impressive and courageous what is happening in Iran at the moment. We, here, react way to hesitant to that and don’t do enough.
“To see the other one – that is respect.”
B: What does respect mean to you regarding everyday life?
S: I think it is disrespectful, when you do not listen to each other, when you don’t appreciate each other. My father once said something to me, when I had just broken up with a girlfriend for the fourth or fifth time in my life, after relationships of one and a half to two years – my parents on the other hand were married for almost 50 years. So, I asked my father: How to you manage to stay with one and the same person for such a long time? He looked at me and said: “Why? She is new every day.” That is what respect means to me, to see the other one.
For example, the people who are living on the street, regardless of the reason – the least I can do, and it won’t cost me a cent, is to smile at them, to say “hello” or to wish them a “good day”. For me that is the minimum level of respect. But when I see, how most people just walk past them, then that is something that I do not understand. I believe, it was Sartre or Camus who said: You can take everything from a person, except their dignity, because then they stop being human.
To me, respect means to not violate a person’s dignity. It does not cost anything to greet people friendly, to see them – To see them, above all. How many do not even know the eye color of their partners, there are so many people who don’t know that.
B: Is disrespect also a question of power?
S: Maybe! Yes… Power is tempting. That is why I am not a fan of Lord of the Rings. Who has the power? Who has the ring? Who is tempted by it? I like people who are in powerful positions, but to not abuse their power, but use it respectfully. Yet, some people believe that they can put themselves above others.
B: Why…?
S: Complete overconfidence. My father was an extremely educated man, who never read much in his life, but simply had a lot of knowledge. I once asked him, how he did that. He said “Everyone is an expert in at least one field. Listen to that person, ask questions, show interest in their abilities, try to find out what their special field is – listen – and you can safe years of studying.”
“Don’t make mistakes”
B: A wise man. But let’s go back to “complete overconfidence”. Where does that come from? It that also a matter of the lacking ability to deal with mistakes?
S: Absolutely! That is a really interesting topic, that I have been dealing with for quite some time. When I was still in school, it was all about understanding: Who am I? What defines me? – Which, by the way, has also to do with respect. To realize: What are my strengths? Not my weaknesses. We made a lot of mistakes – but that is what pushed us forward.
Today, in my job as lecturer at a drama school, I often see people who are in the very beginning and have a clear objective. But they do not want to swim across the ocean to get there. They want to arrive immediately, without making any mistakes, without doing anything wrong. I asked myself: Where does that come from? I think, with all those new devices, social networks, and media, the possibility for the young generation to embarrass themselves is extremely high. You do something and get a thumbs up or thumbs down right away. You are immediately competing and are compared to hundreds of thousands of people all over the world. You post an unedited photo of yourself. Reaction: um…it’s alright. Then you edit your pictures and all the sudden get 20,000 likes for it. What signal does that send? I am not important? Not pretty enough? I need to change to get a like from someone? I find that terrible. And that is also a way of disrespect. Of course, it is also the anonymity of the social networks that causes an incredibly disrespectful way of communicating with each other,
I keep my private life completely out of the internet, professionally I use it moderately. But I would never react disrespectfully to something that someone has posted. A couple of times I called that person and said “Look, I need to talk to you, because I cannot leave uncommented what you wrote there. I would like to talk to you about it, I would like to understand it, and also explain my opinion to you, but not online.” Because there are so many misunderstandings. Also, the way HOW you say something is completely disregarded.
B: That is why I wanted to speak with you in person. For whom do you have respect?
S: (laughs): Ever since I have started acting, I have been told: “You have a strike resemblance with Mario Adorf.” I liked and like a lot of his work, I have great respect for his life’s work, and also for him as a person. Eventually, I was asked to play his son in a film episode. I had so much respect for him, that I asked the producer to meet Mario Adorf in person before that. I had to see him beforehand. We spent a beautiful, touching evening together, during which we did not discuss any of the topics that we had initially put on the agenda.
When I made a movie in England with very successful, popular English actors, I liked the way people treated each other. It did not matter if she was the wife of Jeremy Irons and BAFTA*-winner or Oscar-nominated, it was completely irrelevant. You meet, you encounter, and you work together.
B: So, what actually causes a feeling of respect in you?
S: In the town I grew up in, lives an elderly couple, both almost 90 years old, they do not have a lot of money and are full of the joys of life – that is something that gives me an incredible feeling of respect.
But I do not have respect for people who act like assholes, I don’t want anything to do with them. When you are born you only get that one ticket for life, and it is simply too short to spend it with assholes.
B: Some very true closing words, Stephan. Thank you so much for your time.
* British Academy Film Award
